One a day, better than apples.

Despite the peddler’s evil appearance, his claim to be...

Wed, 03 Aug 2011 20:36:00 -0400

Despite the peddler’s evil appearance, his claim to be selling a “show like no other” proved too much for Mark to resist investing…

It wasn’t until a few weeks later, after the funerals had ended and things returned to normal, that Mark realized the ol’ huckster had always been right, in way. He chuckled softly. Woulda been nice if those bootleg Party Poppers weren’t full of hot wax, but still -“show like no other” indeed.

As his human evaporation experiment began, Evan realized the...

Tue, 24 May 2011 08:00:00 -0400

As his human evaporation experiment began, Evan realized the process was, truth be told, incredibly painful - and his story would probably not be inspiring a Disney feature franchise after all.

“Doth thoust lovith thine fox stockings...

Wed, 18 May 2011 13:44:47 -0400

“Doth thoust lovith thine fox stockings m’lady?”

“Alright, okay. Okay now. Settle….s-settle down now...

Tue, 03 May 2011 00:13:00 -0400

“Alright, okay. Okay now. Settle….s-settle down now - everyone? Eyes up here please? Okay? Please take a seat, it doesn’t matter where. We good? We all here? Rhetorical question; I’ll get to attendance in a sec, but first I’d just like to say welcome.

To Postmortem Portraiture 101.”

Yup. This is it. I know, I keep..I keep forgetting to edit our...

Wed, 20 Apr 2011 08:59:33 -0400

Yup. This is it.

I know, I keep..I keep forgetting to edit our pamphlets. “The Secret Garden” doesn’t really apply anymore for a variety of reasons - mostly involving the lack of garden and google maps. But that look of disappointment on your face is really gonna help me remember.

Uh, anyway, try to enjoy. Oh and a word to the wise: there’s a homeless man somewhere in there and he’s berserk, so just…mind yourself. Gift shop closes at 5.

“Call off the dogs boys, the search can finally end. Um,...

Tue, 29 Mar 2011 18:17:24 -0400

“Call off the dogs boys, the search can finally end. Um, hi. Yes, I’d like to purchase one of your solid gold, jewel encrusted unicycles. Whew, feels good to say. You have no idea how long I’ve been looking for one of these, haha……wait, what? What’s E-bays?”

NOW DON’T MUCK IT UP! I just paid $20 to get that...

Tue, 22 Mar 2011 18:05:32 -0400

NOW DON’T MUCK IT UP! I just paid $20 to get that little Evil Kenevil parisian night suit of yours all cleaned and freshly pressed. Next time you try to jump the sandbox and bash your nose and bleed all over it, you won’t be so lucky.

No you can’t bring the cat - it’s a cute idea babe,...

Tue, 07 Dec 2010 00:30:00 -0500

No you can’t bring the cat - it’s a cute idea babe, but she’s dead weight. Now put her down and let’s go - we gonna rob this bank or what?

I’ve always wanted to be in a high-speed pursuit....

Fri, 22 Oct 2010 17:04:00 -0400

I’ve always wanted to be in a high-speed pursuit. I’ve literally got the production all mapped out in my head: The setting will be European, the soundtrack will be by Prodigy and the script will consist of the line “Let them eat cake” repeated over and over between manic laughter.

Ok. Now curl your pinky to your palm without bending your ring...

Wed, 20 Oct 2010 01:09:00 -0400

Ok. Now curl your pinky to your palm without bending your ring finger. It’s impossible.

“You hear that? That kind of muffled ‘whump’?...

Tue, 19 Oct 2010 22:46:00 -0400

“You hear that? That kind of muffled ‘whump’? Listen, I’ll hit it again……..you hear that?? That’s my internal dead siamese twin ‘Peter’ - I call him ‘Patter’ now though - wanna hear again?”

“We’ve been hit by an iceberg?! But this is the...

Mon, 18 Oct 2010 22:27:00 -0400

“We’ve been hit by an iceberg?! But this is the Titanic! Well……..shoOot. I knew I should have used the lavatory before dinner - how long’s this fuss going to take?”

So maybe you’ve noticed the lack of posts this week. ...

Mon, 18 Oct 2010 00:00:00 -0400

So maybe you’ve noticed the lack of posts this week. Maybe you haven’t. We hope you have, and we hope it was tortuous and painful for you. This whole thing has been leading up to this week… the week where we just disappear and leave the world thunderstruck and hungry for apples.

Or, this is the week where we both had unexpected swampage from our real jobs. (what? did you think this blog thing paid the billzzzzz? Psh, please. I mean, please: let’s make that happen. No, really.)

So we apologize for the lack of diligence on our part and letting you down. We hope you can find it in your hearts to forgive us. We hope to never again stoop so low and revisit this misfortune. In the mean time, ponder this image: The Indian Head Test Card. Read more about it here while we collect ourselves.

We want this last puppy to find his new home. We are not...

Fri, 15 Oct 2010 14:39:00 -0400

We want this last puppy to find his new home. We are not backyard breeders! Just a family who’s T-Rex became pregnant.

The one pup left is male and he’s the lightest of the two pups. Momma is just under 14,000 lbs.

Will be 9 weeks soon, Jack Russell crossbreed. Please inquire if interested or to make an offer. Thank you!

I’m still not sure what good wine is. I have to call my...

Thu, 14 Oct 2010 13:10:00 -0400

I’m still not sure what good wine is. I have to call my parents to ask them what to buy: “Hey Mom, so it’s an informal dinner, we’re having some sort of chicken dish…” “Ok, well why don’t you try -“, “Hold on hold on, I’ve got to find a pen!” Truth.

“Just pick one! We’ve been standing here for 45...

Wed, 13 Oct 2010 14:40:00 -0400

“Just pick one! We’ve been standing here for 45 minutes, THEY’RE ALL THE SAME!!”

Bath toys were always pretty fun, but you had to have some type...

Tue, 12 Oct 2010 13:36:00 -0400

Bath toys were always pretty fun, but you had to have some type of monster in the water to create conflict. You know - build some character development, help the good guys bond together. Anyway, I never had any toy sharks or whatever, so a bar of soap somehow always became really evil.

Oop, no Barry, we gotta do it again. Looks like the head rolled...

Mon, 11 Oct 2010 15:45:00 -0400

Oop, no Barry, we gotta do it again. Looks like the head rolled a little during the scan and there’s some smear action going on. Here, try holding it in place…man, this would be like, ten times easier if a body was attached.

I told you don’t open your eyes! God, I was changing,...

Fri, 08 Oct 2010 15:44:00 -0400

I told you don’t open your eyes! God, I was changing, what’d you think - I was leading a pony out here or something? Can’t a guy get a little privacy in his living room on Christmas morning?!

So apparently they finally slapped the Headless Horseman with a...

Thu, 07 Oct 2010 15:01:00 -0400

So apparently they finally slapped the Headless Horseman with a public intimidation charge and gave him community service repainting Sleepy Hollow’s kindergarden. Whatevs, I’m just glad he chose powder blue.