One a day, better than apples.

“Alright, okay. Okay now. Settle….s-settle down now - everyone? Eyes up here please? Okay? Please take a seat, it doesn’t matter where. We good? We all here? Rhetorical question; I’ll get to attendance in a sec, but first I’d just like to say welcome.

To Postmortem Portraiture 101.”

Yup. This is it.

I know, I keep..I keep forgetting to edit our pamphlets. “The Secret Garden” doesn’t really apply anymore for a variety of reasons - mostly involving the lack of garden and google maps. But that look of disappointment on your face is really gonna help me remember.

Uh, anyway, try to enjoy. Oh and a word to the wise: there’s a homeless man somewhere in there and he’s berserk, so just…mind yourself. Gift shop closes at 5.

“Call off the dogs boys, the search can finally end. Um, hi. Yes, I’d like to purchase one of your solid gold, jewel encrusted unicycles. Whew, feels good to say. You have no idea how long I’ve been looking for one of these, haha……wait, what? What’s E-bays?”

NOW DON’T MUCK IT UP! I just paid $20 to get that little Evil Kenevil parisian night suit of yours all cleaned and freshly pressed. Next time you try to jump the sandbox and bash your nose and bleed all over it, you won’t be so lucky.

No you can’t bring the cat - it’s a cute idea babe, but she’s dead weight. Now put her down and let’s go - we gonna rob this bank or what?

I’ve always wanted to be in a high-speed pursuit. I’ve literally got the production all mapped out in my head: The setting will be European, the soundtrack will be by Prodigy and the script will consist of the line “Let them eat cake” repeated over and over between manic laughter.

Ok. Now curl your pinky to your palm without bending your ring finger. It’s impossible.

“You hear that? That kind of muffled ‘whump’? Listen, I’ll hit it again……..you hear that?? That’s my internal dead siamese twin ‘Peter’ - I call him ‘Patter’ now though - wanna hear again?”

“We’ve been hit by an iceberg?! But this is the Titanic! Well……..shoOot. I knew I should have used the lavatory before dinner - how long’s this fuss going to take?”